why do you run

why do you run?

A seemingly harmless question, why did you start running? I can assure you they didn’t expect my response.

“I started running because I hated my body and hated myself.”

Recently, I have decided that I am going to be honest. Not to say I wasn’t honest before, but rather lean into the full truth. Especially when it is so deeply connected to something I am passionate about. When people inquire about the focus of my theological degree I tell them I love to study theology of the body. So why would I not be honest about the journey I have been on with my body? Even the uncomfortable parts.

I can say the truth because now I know what is genuinely true about myself and about my body. When I look back it is with deep compassion for my younger self. She was in an immense amount of pain and was still figuring everything out. (Do we ever have it all figured out?) I wish I could give her a hug and tell her all that we know now.

The painful truth is that I used to run because I hated my body and hated myself. After graduating from college I lived alone in a brand new state, far away from my typical support network. For most of my life I had hated the way I looked and the extra weight I carried. This seemed like the perfect opportunity to do something about it. So I began to run and work out. I tracked calories obsessively. None of this was done out of a mentally healthy place, it was all done from a source of pain and hatred. And that isn’t something I can recommend doing.

Like so many others I did the beloved Couch to 5k program. I am a big fan of plans, anyone who knows me well knows this to be true. Having a plan crafted for me that I could check off each day was perfect. Everyone around me was supportive and excited for me as I ran and began my health journey. They praised my weight loss and the way my body now looked. My reality was far different though, inside I was in an immense amount of pain and was using running to quite literally run from my feelings and problems. I ran a 5k at Thanksgiving and spent less and less time running after that.

I started running again when I was in seminary a year later, once again in a new city and looking for community. I wanted to run and continue to find ways to love my body and love myself. I had gone to seminary in order to do just that, hoping to then in turn be able to help others do the same for themselves. But I was still spending so much time running from what I was feeling inside. I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life or what to do with this degree I was working towards. Often I joke that going to seminary was my quarter-life crisis because I was trying to figure it all out. All the pain and confusion from the years had built up and was spilling over.

Running remained intermittent those couple of years I was in seminary as time and weather allowed. That is until I was convinced (coerced?) into running the Disney Princess Half Marathon with one of my dear friends. To be fair, this item had been on my bucket list, though I am not sure why. I had heard about the races before and heard that they were incredible. Someday I wanted to do one too and it looked like it was about to be my time. My friend and I had agreed to run it the year after I graduated, an interesting way to ensure that we would stay in touch and have a plan to hang out.

I found myself in yet another new city, once again beginning a new running journey. I had more community this time around and a rather lofty goal of running a half marathon (a lovely 13.1 miles for those who don’t know). Running became a means of survival that year. It was my first year teaching. I was not a trained educator or even a big fan of English class when I was in school, and yet here I was teaching 8th grade English. The year was overwhelming and incredibly painful. I felt like I was drowning and could not see anyone to throw me a life vest. So I ran. On the days that seemed impossible I knew I could come home and run and it would somehow help.

Running that half marathon began an interesting season of life. February 2020 made me think things were getting better. I felt like I was getting in better shape. I thought I was turning a corner in my job, and I had just run 13.1 miles, what more could I want?

But I think we all know what happened next. An incredible shift in how we live our lives. Like so many others it felt as if the rug had been pulled out from under me. And that feeling would continue for the next almost three years. Nothing went according to plan and there were many painful and soul crushing moments. After the race I took a break from running and it was hard to get back into it. I ran here and there but could not bring myself to do it much. As I looked around at the world it seemed even harder to create the motivation to run. For so many of us it simply became about surviving.

As I ran intermittently I would ask myself why I was running.

It has taken me a long time to run for different reasons. There has been a lot of stopping and restarting over the years. But each restart has brought me closer to a deeper love for myself. Each time I have seen myself make better decisions, slowly but surely moving towards a deep love and care for this body I have been given.

I have run two half marathons in my life now. A sentence I never thought I would be able to say, but I’ve got a very persuasive friend. Each of the races have been the Disney Princess Half Marathon and I can assure you that every mile really is magic in Disney.

Now I run because I enjoy it. Yes it’s hard some days but I am grateful to reap the benefits. It has helped improve my asthma. Running is one of the things that I can clearly see helping my mental health. And it reminds me of how strong I am. How much I am capable of. And that is why I run.